Silly Jareth Saga
by Leelee
Summary: Sarah + Jareth + Frank N. Furter + Alvin the Chipmunk = Extreme Wackiness.
1. Divorce Court

This was written nearly two years ago. *nostalgic sigh* My first Labyrinth fanfic. Jareth is so OOC he's bound to offend a few, just to warn the fangirls. Don't be too harsh on this one. I don't own Labyrinth. Henson probably does. RIP, Jim.  
  
Divorce Court  
Silly Jareth Saga Part 1  
  
All was peaceful in the Labyrinth as Jareth held Sarah in his arms as they stood looking out the window at the Bog of Eternal Stench.   
  
Suddenly there came a horrendous crash.   
  
"OOOOOW! What in the name of the aardvark did you do that fer?" came the howl of a goblin child as he rubbed the bump on his knobby head caused by the crystal ball thrown at him by his younger sister. In response, she stuck out her purple tongue and made a face.   
  
"Children, what is going on here? I thought I told you two to play nicely," Sarah, their mother, called.   
  
"But she threw a ball at me," the goblin boy whined.   
  
"Wha-wha-WHAT?! Not one of MY balls?!" Jareth roared.   
  
"Yep, one a yer balls, daddy-o," his son called in a singsongy voice.   
  
"Alright, that's hell to pay!" the Goblin King screeched.   
  
"Now, now, dear, it was your idea to turn them into goblins because they were so ugly as humans. You'll just have to live with the fact that everyone wants your balls," Sarah smiled coyly. "In fact, why don't we go..."   
  
"Mommy! She's doing it again!" interrupted her son.   
  
"Oh, fine. Here, you two. Just give me daddy's balls, and go take a nap in the forest," she said, annoyed that her lovely afternoon was spoiled by a couple of bratty kids. Instantly the two little goblins disappeared.   
  
"Good. Now it's just us two," Sarah sighed as she snuggled in Jareth's arms.   
  
"What would you like to do?" he whispered hoarsely. "There's a sale on Oreo cookies at K-Mart."   
  
"Oreos? Wouldn't you rather have, oh, say, whipped cream?" she arched her eyebrows suggestively.   
  
"Why?" the Goblin King asked, with a confused look on his face. "Are we going to be having pie?" he inquired eagerly.   
  
"No, maybe just a sandwich..." Sarah worked her lips on his earlobe.   
  
"Can it be a Spamwich? Oh, please say yes, please! I haven't had any Spam for *days*" Jareth looked like a little boy asking for candy.   
  
"Oh, that's it! I've had it! If you don't strip naked this very instant and give me some lovin', then I am *leaving*," Sarah sniffed, ready to cry. "You love putting on makeup more than spending time with me!" she cried. "And I'm sick of it! All of it! The never-ending conversations with your dead mother, your antique toilet collection, the way you criticize my clothes, how you insisted on keeping in the basement every girl who failed to solve the Labyrinth, everything!" she threw her hands in the air. "And finally, the worst of it all, the thing I am absolutely SICK of.........the way you keep forgetting where you left your balls! I mean, no other man would! Everytime I get in the mood, you have to excuse yourself to go look for them! I can't take it anymore!" she screamed.   
  
"I want a divorce," she said finally, after a long pause.   
  
"Uh, well, that's something I've been meaning to talk to you about...You know how we got married in China?" Jareth avoided her eyes.   
  
"Ye-es?"   
  
"Well, anyway, um......our marriage isn't really......legal," he finished lamely.   
  
Sarah just stared at him with no emotion on her face.   
  
"Fine. You keep the kids," was all she said before she disappeared in a cloud of glitter.   



	2. Oreos

Short and silly. I don't know own Jareth, the Labyrinth, or the Chipmunks.  
  
Oreos  
Silly Jareth Saga Part 2  
  
It was raining. Jareth hated the rain. It reminded him too much of his own soggy childhood.   
  
"Why? Did you cry a lot as a little Goblin Prince?" asked a voice behind him.   
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. But you wouldn't know that, would you, mother?" he said without turning around. "You never *were* there when I needed more than just tissues...when I needed some cookies and milk."   
  
"Oreos, right?" Sandra, Jareth's dead mother, noticeably brightened up at the mention of cookies.   
  
"Of course, Oreos. What other kind of cookies are on sale every week? You *know* I shop around for the best deals," he retorted. "How else could I have found this lovely blue dress that I have on? Or these earrings? They only *look* gold."   
  
"Hmmm, marvelous, darling, simply marvelous," she agreed. "I do notice that your eyeliner is a bit smudged, though."   
  
"It's because I've been running around all day chasing cars," Jareth sighed. "I thought you had heard...I'm in love with a black Toyota Tercel."   
  
"What?!" Sandra cried in horror. "No son of mine will be seen with such a tramp! I forbid you to see him ever again!"   
  
"Oh, mother, quit being so dramatic," the Goblin King admonished. "He has been avoiding me for weeks. I'm seriously considering writing the whole thing off as a loss, and forgetting about it altogether. Toyotas can be so...fickle. A Chevy, now..."   
  
"Oh, you! Are you trying to drive me to the grave?" she shuddered. "My own son..."   
  
Jareth looked at her for a long time. "I think you are dead already, though. I have trouble remembering these things. Too many nights alone in my room."   
  
"Oh, really. And what do you *do* in there?" Sandra raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.   
  
"MOTHER! I can't talk about it with *you*! It'd be indecent!" he declared with a huff. "I've just been so lonely since that Williams girl left that I need to do *something*."   
  
"Oh, come on, just tell your mommy," she cooed.   
  
"Oh...all right," Jareth lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I've been......training my own personal army. An army of Chipmunks!" he declared, straightening up. "So far, I've only got three, but I can double that if I recruit females, too."   
  
Sandra simply stared at her son. Then, muttering something about the importance of contraception in a marriage, she vanished.   
  
Jareth allowed a wide grin to split across his handsome face.   
  
"Alvin, Simon, Theodore!" he called. 


	3. Strange Bedfellows

The madness continues . . .   
  
Strange Bedfellows  
Silly Jareth Saga Part 3  
  
  
"Look, Alvin, I don't have time right now. I'm meeting my orthodontist for a playdate," Jareth explained to his assistant.   
  
"Look, Dave, *I* need a ride to the airport. I have to get to Chicago to see Bananarama 'Live in Concert,' " the annoying little Chipmunk whined. "Come on, Dave, just be a pal, and drive me over there."   
  
"NO!" Jareth's face contorted with rage. "Now leave me ALONE!" He returned his attention to applying makeup.   
  
"Hey, don't take out your sexual frustrations on me, Dave. *I'm* not the one who drove what's-her-name away," Alvin snapped, swatting the Goblin King on the butt.   
  
"Oh, look what you made me do!" Jareth cried, turning around. There was a long black line on his face that began on the left cheek and ended on the nose. "Now I'll have to call Terry and cancel our date."   
  
"What are you gonna tell him? 'I'm sorry, Ter, but I just couldn't find my other nipple ring, and then my heel broke...'" Alvin broke off when he realized that the Goblin King had sent him somewhere. He was in the middle of an *extremely* busy three-lane highway.   
  
"Hey, Dave? I'm sorry, I really am! DAVE!!" the Chipmunk squealed as he struggled to get out of the way of an oncoming Greyhound.   
  
*~~~*~~~*~~~*   
  
Jareth was lounging on his satin covered bed, eating Oreos and drinking Shasta, when suddenly there came a knock on the door.   
  
"It's wide open," he called.   
  
"Oh, good," said the figure who walked in. "I do so love it when things are *wide open*." Dr. Frank N. Furter grinned evilly. "Are you ready for the sleep over?" he asked, his black eye shadow-covered eyes dancing wildly.   
  
"Oh, yes!" Jareth jumped up, wiping crumbs off his bare chest. "I've got the hot wax, the "My Little Pony" movie, and the phone book." The Goblin King couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice.   
  
"And where, may I ask, is my furry little friend, Alvin?" Frank cocked his head to the side.   
  
"Uh, well, he's, uh, somewhere in Jersey," Jareth hid his face.   
  
"WHAT?!" the ceiling mirror above the bed cracked at Frank's fury. "I can't sleep over if Alvin's not here! I'm leaving!" With that, he turned around and walked out, his high heels clicking on the stone floor.   
  
"Oh, well," Jareth sighed. "I guess it's just you and me, Mikey," he said, turning to his roommate.   
  
Michael Jackson only smiled. 


End file.
